Flawless Victory - Six Tips on How to Achieve It and Four Reasons Why You Should
A Flawless Victory is defined as:
The act of defecating and, after wiping yourself, you discover nothing on the toilet paper - it is completely clean.
Listed below are the benefits of flawless victory and what you can do to achieve it…
Benefits of Flawless Victory:
- environmental (reduce paper waste)
- conservational (conserve water, save trees)
- physical (excessive wiping may contribute to hemorrhoids)
- mental/emotional (a flawless victory makes your day)
Warning Regarding No-Wipers:
A flawless victory is sometimes referred to as a no-wiper. This is a misnomer. No mental benefits can be achieved unless a wipe occurs. Verification is necessary for victory.
A no-wiper is a figurative term because one wipe must take place to confirm that no wipes were necessary.
Taken literally, a no-wiper is an irresponsible gamble. The risk/reward equation is stacked heavily against no-wipers.
Tips to Achieve Flawless Victory:
- eat insoluble fiber (increases stool size/bulk)
- no pinching (anal constrictions increase the odds of Klingons circling Uranus)
- hydration (fiber without hydration is a recipe for constipation/hemorrhoids)
- exercise (keeps things moving and removes excessive water content)
- relax during defecation (reduces pinching/constriction)
- stress-free lifestyle (contributes to healthy bowel movements)
Physical factors that may affect flawless victory include weight, health and amount of ass hair. Do not shave your ass hair! (Warning: Graphic Craigslist Post)
Editor’s Note: Mental factors* may also contribute to flawless victory.
While writing (and rewriting and rewriting ad infinitum) this article, a strong, sudden urge to go where even the emperor must go on foot overwhelmed me. To my utmost surprise and total delight, I pitched a flawless victory! It made my day. I am on cloud nine as I type this.
*Without more evidence, of course, we cannot make a conclusion about mental factors. My experience today may just have been a pleasant coincidence. If you experience flawless victory after reading this article, please contact us with your story.